Today is the anniversary of my accident. Many would say it is my birthday, a rebirth indeed. My life has done a 360 and I am in awe everyday. Life started at point B. I live with amnesia, but count my blessings day by day. See a year ago I woke up in a hospital room full of strangers to a reality that life had passed by me without me noticing it. Today I take every second in and hold it tight. The Lord kept His promise and has never left me nor forsaken me, and though the reasons for this may never ever be fully revealed I lean on His sovereignty. His Word was written in my heart not just my mind. “I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people.”-Jeremiah 31:33
I am humbled and grateful for all those people who were Jesus’ hands and feet through our darkest moments.
Lost Memories
Monday, March 4, 2013
Saturday, June 23, 2012
A Blank Canvas
We all start life with a blank canvas. After the accident, I woke up to what
many would describe as the picture perfect life, but by not knowing how I got
there that perfect picture became quite scary. See grieving and acceptance is absolutely necessary in order
to go forward. It’s been 4 ½
months since the accident and there are still many pieces of the puzzle still
missing but this is where the healing begins. The initial halt was when I woke up on 5/15/92. Twenty years from today somewhere in my
memory bank I wanted a “do over” chance.
This is what months of therapy has taught me. My heart and my mind where not connecting. Everything I wanted 20 years ago had
kind of come full circle except for the hole I still had in my heart. I couldn’t fathom having happiness
without her in the midst. Maybe in
my spiritual subconscious I was trying to bargain with God to bring her
back. Many prayers later I’ve come
to terms with the fact that she is here.
She never left. She’s in my
heart and in my soul. I knew she
needed Jesus and was prepared to share that with her but she knew I needed more
of Him so she turned our love into an eternal one. She decided to hold the canvas while God painted it little
by little. She first saw how God
painted the perfect man to be my husband, the one I prayed for in my
journals. Then he brought along my
first son. I could see why they
chose him to be a boy. I was able
to allow my faith and trust to grow during that pregnancy and that
delivery. (I saw the video). I could see God’s slow healing coming
into my life. Then there were
bumps on the road with the miscarriage but this was His way of bridging the gap
between me and Gus and having him become more in tune with the hole I had in my
heart. My second son became a test
of faith when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor in the womb. I held on as strong as I could to His
promises and what a blessing he is.
I can see signs of complacency after that, but God knows his children
and He wasn’t done with me. The
prayer warriors from the hospital couldn’t wait for me to come home and read my
prayers inside my prayer box.
God’s faithfulness couldn’t be more obvious so as I read the prayer
dated 9/07/08 I was in awe of the testimony that I was now entrusted with. He wants me to share these
stories. He knows the plans He has
for us, in Jeremiah 29:11 He states, For I know the plans I
have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future. I could just picture Him sharing His plans with Natalie in
heaven telling her that now was the perfect time to send me a precious little
girl, my princess Brielle (her name means God is my might). I know Natalie must
have been elated, but the enemy can strike at anytime and I was weak in
spirit. So now amnesia
struck. I’m fighting back by
believing that she is part of the perfect picture. She’s holding it with her precious little hands looking at
it and seeing herself in my heart!
For as long as I’m here she wants me to be an active participant in this
picture and hold her in my heart until we meet again!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
A Letter to My Daughter in Heaven
Written on May 14, 2012
Today Natalie Christine is your 20th
birthday. I wish the circumstances
would be different but they are not.
I want to hold the memories of joy you gave me. Being pregnant with you allowed me to see
beyond my current circumstances and feel hope for the future. I can still recall the nights I sat up
in bed holding you in my belly telling you all the hopes and dreams I had for
you. You would move and I would
think that, that was your way of communicating with me. Oh how I wanted to
change the outcome, but losing you gave me courage and faith. Your loss got me closer to our Lord
because I knew you were in His arms.
So now I try to adapt to this new life without you and want to be the
best I can be so we can be reunited in heaven one day. I want to live life in such a way that
you would be absolutely proud of me.
Thank you for coming into my life and giving it purpose and direction,
and please know that I will forever love you my sweet baby girl.
Love,
Your Mommy
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Hospital Days
These days were terrible. Everyone around me was a
stranger. The doctor/psychiatrist was eerie and scary. They first diagnosed me
with some type of psychosis and began giving me a heavy medication called
Haldol. Here’s a little information about this medication. Haldol
(haloperidol) is an antipsychotic medication that affects chemicals in the
brain. Haldol is used in the treatment of schizophrenia and to control motor
and speech tics (involuntary movements) of Tourette's Disorder. According to
the package insert, Haldol can cause some serious side effects, including
cardiovascular problems like low or high blood pressure, increased heart rate,
and abnormal heart rhythms. Haldol can also cause movement disorders similar to
Parkinson’s Disease, which are called extrapyramidal symptoms. Prolonged
contractions of muscle groups have also been reported with Haldol treatment.
Other generalized central nervous system effects include insomnia,
restlessness, anxiety, euphoria, agitation, drowsiness, depression, lethargy,
headache, confusion, vertigo, seizures, and an increase in psychotic symptoms.
http://www.everydayhealth.com/health-questions/haldol/what-can-you-say-about-haldol
I felt so
lost and confused. I asked the man that would never leave (my so called
husband) to please get me a bible. It was the only thing that had not changed. I kept on repeating this verse that the
Lord placed in my heart, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid
or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never
leave you nor forsake you” Deuteronomy 31:6.
It was my lifeline. I didn’t even
feel like myself. They had covered the mirrors in my room the first couple of
days but as soon as I was able to walk I stood up and saw myself in the
mirror. Was this a new hospital
procedure? Did, they now dye your hair? I was a blonde. I was fat and I was
old. I must have cried for hours. Who am I? Where am I? What happened during
all these years?
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Lonely Days
The
hospital room looked like a regular hospital room. I was dizzy and felt weak. The nurse came in and took my
vitals. I asked her if I could see
the baby but all she said was that the doctor would be in shortly. The man from
yesterday walked in the room again.
He approached me and asked me if I remembered him. I said yes you were
here yesterday. He stared at me and told me he was my husband and that we had 3
children. In not a very nice tone I answered that that was not possible. At that point I began to cry and told
him I wanted to see the baby.
Immediately he assumed I was talking about our youngest child. Things got really intense at this point
I went into a river of tears because I told him I needed a helicopter because
we needed to save her.
On
May 14, 1992 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. For the first 10 to 12 hours after birth, she seemed to be
healthy, alert and happy. While my
grandmother was assisting me with breastfeeding her, being that I was a first
time mom, she noticed that the baby’s forehead was turning blue. At this point, she called for the nurse
and this is where I wake up. See
the definition of dissociative amnesia or psychogenic amnesia as wikipedia defines it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychogenic_amnesia.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Arriving at the ER
My husband recalls that when I arrived at the hospital he noticed something was wrong because
I wouldn’t talk to him. Then I
looked at him and said, “Sir, can you please call my grandmother?” At that point he knew something was terribly
wrong since my grandmother passed in 2005.
He
then waited until all the doctors and nurses left the room and when we were
finally alone he approached me. He
asked me “Do you know who I am?” I
then said, “You work here, right?” He responded, “No, I’m your husband.” I looked at him strangely and said, “I’m
not married! Now sir, can you please call my grandmother?” He then asked my name. I told him my maiden name. He took a few steps back and left the
room.
The Fall
According
to my husband the day was pretty ordinary. He worked nights so he was sleeping, until I quietly woke
him. I asked him to please
accompany me to the kid’s school because it was the last day for
enrollment. I also needed to run a
couple of errands. Everything went
as planned, except when I went to change the ink in our printer my husband
explains that I leaned to the right while sitting and seemed to be out of
balance. He quickly responded
after I verbalized that I was not feeling well. “Don’t worry honey I’ll change
the ink for you.” He says I walked toward the laundry room and not even a
minute later he found me on the floor and unresponsive. I don’t remember any of
that.
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