A Blank Canvas

We all start life with a blank canvas.  After the accident, I woke up to what many would describe as the picture perfect life, but by not knowing how I got there that perfect picture became quite scary.  See grieving and acceptance is absolutely necessary in order to go forward.  It’s been 4 ½ months since the accident and there are still many pieces of the puzzle still missing but this is where the healing begins.  The initial halt was when I woke up on 5/15/92.  Twenty years from today somewhere in my memory bank I wanted a “do over” chance.  This is what months of therapy has taught me.  My heart and my mind where not connecting.  Everything I wanted 20 years ago had kind of come full circle except for the hole I still had in my heart.  I couldn’t fathom having happiness without her in the midst.  Maybe in my spiritual subconscious I was trying to bargain with God to bring her back.  Many prayers later I’ve come to terms with the fact that she is here.  She never left.  She’s in my heart and in my soul.  I knew she needed Jesus and was prepared to share that with her but she knew I needed more of Him so she turned our love into an eternal one.  She decided to hold the canvas while God painted it little by little.  She first saw how God painted the perfect man to be my husband, the one I prayed for in my journals.  Then he brought along my first son.  I could see why they chose him to be a boy.  I was able to allow my faith and trust to grow during that pregnancy and that delivery.  (I saw the video).  I could see God’s slow healing coming into my life.  Then there were bumps on the road with the miscarriage but this was His way of bridging the gap between me and Gus and having him become more in tune with the hole I had in my heart.  My second son became a test of faith when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor in the womb.  I held on as strong as I could to His promises and what a blessing he is.  I can see signs of complacency after that, but God knows his children and He wasn’t done with me.  The prayer warriors from the hospital couldn’t wait for me to come home and read my prayers inside my prayer box.  God’s faithfulness couldn’t be more obvious so as I read the prayer dated 9/07/08 I was in awe of the testimony that I was now entrusted with.  He wants me to share these stories.  He knows the plans He has for us, in Jeremiah 29:11 He states, For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  I could just picture Him sharing His plans with Natalie in heaven telling her that now was the perfect time to send me a precious little girl, my princess Brielle (her name means God is my might). I know Natalie must have been elated, but the enemy can strike at anytime and I was weak in spirit.  So now amnesia struck.  I’m fighting back by believing that she is part of the perfect picture.  She’s holding it with her precious little hands looking at it and seeing herself in my heart!  For as long as I’m here she wants me to be an active participant in this picture and hold her in my heart until we meet again!

A Letter to My Daughter in Heaven

Written on May 14, 2012

Today Natalie Christine is your 20^th birthday.  I wish the circumstances would be different but they are not.  I want to hold the memories of joy you gave me.  Being pregnant with you allowed me to see beyond my current circumstances and feel hope for the future.  I can still recall the nights I sat up in bed holding you in my belly telling you all the hopes and dreams I had for you.  You would move and I would think that, that was your way of communicating with me. Oh how I wanted to change the outcome, but losing you gave me courage and faith.  Your loss got me closer to our Lord because I knew you were in His arms.  So now I try to adapt to this new life without you and want to be the best I can be so we can be reunited in heaven one day.  I want to live life in such a way that you would be absolutely proud of me.  Thank you for coming into my life and giving it purpose and direction, and please know that I will forever love you my sweet baby girl.

Love,

Your Mommy

Hospital Days

These days were terrible. Everyone around me was a stranger. The doctor/psychiatrist was eerie and scary. They first diagnosed me with some type of psychosis and began giving me a heavy medication called Haldol. Here’s a little information about this medication. Haldol (haloperidol) is an antipsychotic medication that affects chemicals in the brain. Haldol is used in the treatment of schizophrenia and to control motor and speech tics (involuntary movements) of Tourette's Disorder. According to the package insert, Haldol can cause some serious side effects, including cardiovascular problems like low or high blood pressure, increased heart rate, and abnormal heart rhythms. Haldol can also cause movement disorders similar to Parkinson’s Disease, which are called extrapyramidal symptoms. Prolonged contractions of muscle groups have also been reported with Haldol treatment. Other generalized central nervous system effects include insomnia, restlessness, anxiety, euphoria, agitation, drowsiness, depression, lethargy, headache, confusion, vertigo, seizures, and an increase in psychotic symptoms.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/health-questions/haldol/what-can-you-say-about-haldol

I felt so lost and confused. I asked the man that would never leave (my so called husband) to please get me a bible. It was the only thing that had not changed.  I kept on repeating this verse that the Lord placed in my heart, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” Deuteronomy 31:6.

It was my lifeline. I didn’t even feel like myself. They had covered the mirrors in my room the first couple of days but as soon as I was able to walk I stood up and saw myself in the mirror.  Was this a new hospital procedure? Did, they now dye your hair? I was a blonde. I was fat and I was old. I must have cried for hours. Who am I? Where am I? What happened during all these years?

Lonely Days

The hospital room looked like a regular hospital room.  I was dizzy and felt weak. The nurse came in and took my vitals.  I asked her if I could see the baby but all she said was that the doctor would be in shortly. The man from yesterday walked in the room again.  He approached me and asked me if I remembered him. I said yes you were here yesterday. He stared at me and told me he was my husband and that we had 3 children. In not a very nice tone I answered that that was not possible.  At that point I began to cry and told him I wanted to see the baby.  Immediately he assumed I was talking about our youngest child.  Things got really intense at this point I went into a river of tears because I told him I needed a helicopter because we needed to save her.

On May 14, 1992 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  For the first 10 to 12 hours after birth, she seemed to be healthy, alert and happy.  While my grandmother was assisting me with breastfeeding her, being that I was a first time mom, she noticed that the baby’s forehead was turning blue.  At this point, she called for the nurse and this is where I wake up.  See the definition of dissociative amnesia or psychogenic amnesia as wikipedia defines it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychogenic_amnesia.

Arriving at the ER

My husband recalls that when I arrived at the hospital he noticed something was wrong because I wouldn’t talk to him.  Then I looked at him and said, “Sir, can you please call my grandmother?”  At that point he knew something was terribly wrong since my grandmother passed in 2005.

He then waited until all the doctors and nurses left the room and when we were finally alone he approached me.  He asked me “Do you know who I am?”  I then said, “You work here, right?” He responded, “No, I’m your husband.”  I looked at him strangely and said, “I’m not married! Now sir, can you please call my grandmother?”  He then asked my name.  I told him my maiden name.  He took a few steps back and left the room.

The Fall

According to my husband the day was pretty ordinary.  He worked nights so he was sleeping, until I quietly woke him.  I asked him to please accompany me to the kid’s school because it was the last day for enrollment.  I also needed to run a couple of errands.  Everything went as planned, except when I went to change the ink in our printer my husband explains that I leaned to the right while sitting and seemed to be out of balance.  He quickly responded after I verbalized that I was not feeling well. “Don’t worry honey I’ll change the ink for you.” He says I walked toward the laundry room and not even a minute later he found me on the floor and unresponsive. I don’t remember any of that.  

The Beginning

For the world it was Saturday, February 4, 2012. As for me I had to continuously repeat to myself that we were not in 1992.  The world was different and so were the people that surrounded me. It felt like I was and am living a lie or someone else's life.  The only comfort I found was in knowing that I was a Christian and that God would see me through this.  One of the most comforting verses He gave me is Ruth 4:4 -Blessed be the Lord who has not left you this day. Currently, I am married and have 3 beautiful children. By following my blog you and I can discover how I got here, and what occurred during this 20 year lapse.