Saturday, June 23, 2012

A Blank Canvas

We all start life with a blank canvas.  After the accident, I woke up to what many would describe as the picture perfect life, but by not knowing how I got there that perfect picture became quite scary.  See grieving and acceptance is absolutely necessary in order to go forward.  It’s been 4 ½ months since the accident and there are still many pieces of the puzzle still missing but this is where the healing begins.  The initial halt was when I woke up on 5/15/92.  Twenty years from today somewhere in my memory bank I wanted a “do over” chance.  This is what months of therapy has taught me.  My heart and my mind where not connecting.  Everything I wanted 20 years ago had kind of come full circle except for the hole I still had in my heart.  I couldn’t fathom having happiness without her in the midst.  Maybe in my spiritual subconscious I was trying to bargain with God to bring her back.  Many prayers later I’ve come to terms with the fact that she is here.  She never left.  She’s in my heart and in my soul.  I knew she needed Jesus and was prepared to share that with her but she knew I needed more of Him so she turned our love into an eternal one.  She decided to hold the canvas while God painted it little by little.  She first saw how God painted the perfect man to be my husband, the one I prayed for in my journals.  Then he brought along my first son.  I could see why they chose him to be a boy.  I was able to allow my faith and trust to grow during that pregnancy and that delivery.  (I saw the video).  I could see God’s slow healing coming into my life.  Then there were bumps on the road with the miscarriage but this was His way of bridging the gap between me and Gus and having him become more in tune with the hole I had in my heart.  My second son became a test of faith when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor in the womb.  I held on as strong as I could to His promises and what a blessing he is.  I can see signs of complacency after that, but God knows his children and He wasn’t done with me.  The prayer warriors from the hospital couldn’t wait for me to come home and read my prayers inside my prayer box.  God’s faithfulness couldn’t be more obvious so as I read the prayer dated 9/07/08 I was in awe of the testimony that I was now entrusted with.  He wants me to share these stories.  He knows the plans He has for us, in Jeremiah 29:11 He states, For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  I could just picture Him sharing His plans with Natalie in heaven telling her that now was the perfect time to send me a precious little girl, my princess Brielle (her name means God is my might). I know Natalie must have been elated, but the enemy can strike at anytime and I was weak in spirit.  So now amnesia struck.  I’m fighting back by believing that she is part of the perfect picture.  She’s holding it with her precious little hands looking at it and seeing herself in my heart!  For as long as I’m here she wants me to be an active participant in this picture and hold her in my heart until we meet again!

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